The Quill
by Mme Curie
Summary: Step into the dark world of New Kanatahseton, a place plagued by famine, broken by distrust and crushed by fear. This is my world, the only thing I've known for almost as long I can remember. The world ruled by our God, King Ratonhnhake:ton, may he live forever...
1. Chapter 1

**The 29****th**** of August in the 14****th**** year of the New Order under our Lord and King**

My name is Lily Thompson. I don't even know why I'm doing this. Maybe it is because I hope one day that Mother will read it and know how much I love her. I have tried to talk to her but ever since Father came home from The Wall, she hasn't been herself. We used to talk often. She is sad all the time now and I am left to care for Father as best as I can. He can't do much for himself. I feel like I'm talking to a stranger every time I go in there. I know he's my father but I haven't known him for the twelve years that he has been gone. He is a broken and aged man, unable to walk well or lift anything. His right arm is gone and his left hand is so malformed it doesn't open. Sometimes when he smiles at me it seems familiar but I was only six years old when he left New Kanatahseton. I remember a much younger man…

Mother, every day you ask Father when my brother is coming home again. 'He must be a man now,' you say. He was almost a man when he left with Father. Father keeps telling you that he isn't coming home and I know you know what that means. I do. He's dead. There. I've said it. It's the truth, Mother, and I miss him too. Eddie always made chores fun for me and whenever I hurt myself he was the first to lift me up over his head and make me laugh. He was sixteen when he left with Father, which would have made him twenty and eight today. If none of this had happened, maybe he would be married and have some little grandchildren by now. I'm sorry, Mother, but if I can't talk about him with you, I must get it out of me somehow.

Sometimes I wonder how we ended up like this at all. 'Just the wrong place at the wrong time, Lily,' you always said. I remember you shushing me when I said that the King was a mean man for sending Father and Eddie away. You told me He said it was for our protection that He was building a wall, so that bad people couldn't get in and corrupt us. I didn't know what that word meant. I was too little to understand then, but I know now what it means. At times, I think to myself that it is the King who has corrupted us, not the people Outside. I know it's treason to speak such words. It's probably treason to write them down but I don't care anymore. Father is dying, Mother. It won't be long. I wish you would just try. I know he loves you.

**The 16****th**** of September in the 14****th**** year of the New Order under our Lord and King**

Father died last night. Mother didn't get out of bed and I had to pay our closest neighbor with the food we would have eaten tonight to help me dig his grave and move his body into it. It took a long time and I tried to make up for it while harvesting our small field until well past dark. There wasn't much to collect but I made sure I got everything. Even the unripened corn will get something at the market tomorrow. I'm so tired.

**The 23****rd**** of September in the 14****th**** year of the New Order under our Lord and King**

I weep as I write this. How can so many terrible things happen to one family? To one person? When I returned from the market the day after Father died, Mother had hung herself from the rafters of our house. It was the most terrible thing I had ever seen! Her face was purple and I had to cut her down with a kitchen knife. I will never forget the sound her body made when she fell to the floor. It was the sound of death. Everything here is death! No one smiles anymore. Winter is coming quickly and I fear it more than anything. How many people will starve this year? It seems like more and more die every winter.

I held Mother in my arms until there were no more tears left in me that day. I had only the little food I could barter for in the market from our pitiful corn harvest and I just had to eat some of it. I couldn't give it away in exchange for help so I dug up Father's grave and buried Mother with him in the same place. It was easier than digging a new grave. May the Lord and King forgive me for it.

In the week since Mother died I have tried to eat as little as possible but I fear for the winter.

**The 24****th**** of September in the 14****th**** year of the New Order under our Lord and King**

My neighbor frightens me. He knows I'm alone in here and I have seen him on our land more than once. Some of the wood I chopped yesterday is gone so I spent time today bringing it all inside. I can't trust anyone, it seems. I took everything inside that I could, including our farm tools and bucket. I'm tempted to bring our little milk goat, Thistle, into the house too but then I would look crazy and it would be very messy.

Sometimes I think about the God Mother used to pray to when she was upset. When the ships stopped coming to Boston, shortly after it was renamed the Port of New Kanatahseton, she used to pray to that God. "For the souls of the lost sailors," she told me. She said that her God was loving and merciful… qualities I don't believe exist in our Lord and King. Again, with my treasonous words. But how can I not feel that way when He requires us to worship him yet seems only to punish his followers with labor and seemingly arbitrary decisions about who gets help? With so many starving, how can He say He is protecting us and guiding us toward freedom? His subjects are dying yet He won't listen to our cries for help! Some of Mother's closest friends have gone to Him in the Palace for aid yet have returned empty handed or not returned at all. The few who return vow they will never go back and describe Him as a God of immense power and mightiness. All who present themselves to Him in petition must bow to the floor and kiss a golden orb. No one is allowed to look upon His face, for they risk death to do so.

Rumors abound that He is a monster with glowing blue eyes and He can transform into any beast He wants. Some say He flies into a rage at the least provocation or sometimes from none at all. I once heard that He killed an entire room full of people by raising His golden orb of power above his head. That is not a God of love and mercy. He isn't a God I want to worship but I am compelled to for my survival. There are many who will report me if I do not say the words. May our Lord and King protect us. May our Lord and King live forever. I have seen people dragged away and executed publicly for refusing. None speak of it afterwards. To speak of the treasonous dead is to risk being condemned by association.

**The 3****rd**** of October in the 14****th**** year of the New Order under our Lord and King**

My food is running low already. I have been trying to only eat one small meal a day and then only water to keep my stomach full but it hurts. I'm hungry all the time but I have to make my food last. I have gone around the town offering to mend clothes in exchange for food but no one is interested. The days are cold and the nights are colder. I snuck Thistle into the house after dark last night. I know it sounds crazy, but I took her into bed with me and it was the warmest I have been in a while. I think she was happy, too. I smell like her now but I don't care.

**The 12****th**** of October in the 14****th**** year of the New Order under our Lord and King**

It snowed today. I had planned on gathering more hay for Thistle but now it's buried under the snow. I can take what extends above the snow line for her but everything else is too wet. It will rot before she can eat it. What have I done? My precious little girl will starve just like me.

**The 14****th**** of October in the 14****th**** year of the New Order under our Lord and King**

My neighbor caught me cutting some dry grass near some rocks on his property. He beat me and threatened to kill me if he ever caught me stealing from him again. He took my sickle, too. Thistle butts my leg and bleats at me because she's hungry. I'm a terrible mother.

**The 19****th**** of October in the 14****th**** year of the New Order under our Lord and King**

Finally, I have a happy thing to write of. The woods around the west side of the village have many oak trees. I decided to break open an acorn and eat it when I was looking for something to feed Thistle. It was bitter but I felt better after. I didn't get sick from it so I went and gathered as many as I could find in my apron. Thistle and I feasted on them that night. I got a stomach ache from it but at least it wasn't hunger pains.

**The 1****st**** of November, in the 14****th**** year of the New Order under our Lord and King**

Winter has truly come early this year. The snow just keeps coming and getting deeper and deeper. I have to warm my hands under my jacket because it is so cold outside. It's hard to find acorns now and Thistle is barely giving any milk. What she does give is dark and bitter. Probably because she has no sweet hay to eat, only bitter acorns.

**The 11****th**** of November in the 14****th**** year of the New Order under our Lord and King**

Today I gathered together everything of Mother's that I could, save her favorite brooch, and took it to the market to sell. I had to do it! I haven't eaten for two days. I got a few small pieces of dried meat, some beans, eight potatoes and three tiny ears of unripe corn. It was a better haul than I was expecting and I think I can make it last for at least a month. Thistle liked the corn and she was upset at me that I only gave her the tip of one ear. I think she understood when I explained to her that it has to last a very long time. She watched as I counted the beans and divided them up into piles of ten. I told her she could have ten beans a day when the corn ran out and I would have a little piece of potato. Once a week, I will eat some dried meat and she can have five extra beans.

**The 6****th**** of December in the 14****th**** year of the New Order under our Lord and King**

We ran out of food today. We ate our last bean at the same time and then crawled into bed. I don't know what to do. Maybe I should travel to the Palace and petition the King for help. But I don't want to leave Thistle here by herself. What if someone steals her while I'm gone? I can't let that happen.

**The 9****th**** of December in the 14****th**** year of the New Order under our Lord and King**

I have been thinking a lot. I don't know what kind of monster I am but I've been considering a terrible thing. I think I am going to have to kill Thistle if I'm to survive. If I can just get through the worst snows, I can forage in the woods again but I won't make it without something to eat. I'm a monster. I truly am. Thistle trusts me and I love her but I can't stop thinking about it.

**The 11****th**** of December in the 14****th**** year of the New Order under our Lord and King**

I did it. I became the monster I knew I was going to become and it was all for nothing. Thistle's blood still stains my clothes and I'm a hideous, hideous monster. She followed me to the barn, she trusted me! I carried the heavy axe right next to her and she didn't suspect my evil motives. All she did was look at me with her giant brown eyes. I think she loved me until the very last moment when I swung the axe and crushed her skull. At least it was quick. But my horrible neighbor must have seen me. Maybe he heard me crying, I don't know. I hate him! He's more heartless than I am for killing Thistle. He came into the barn as I was butchering my darling pet and grabbed her body. I tried to keep her from him but he hit me and knocked me to the floor. When I got up he dropped poor Thistle and beat me worse than when he had found me cutting the grass on his land. I was too weak to get up after and he took Thistle away. He even took the bucket of her blood that I was going to empty into the stream in place of burying it. Now I have nothing. I hate this place! I hate myself. I promised Thistle I would use all of her to survive the winter and now I'm a liar, too.

Now I have to take the chance of going to the Palace to petition the King tomorrow. I'm frightened. I've never been there before but I know the way. It shouldn't take long to get there, maybe almost a day's walk. If I make it by the end of the day it will still be my birthday. I turn 19 tomorrow. Maybe that will make a difference when I make my petition.

**The 13****th**** of December in the 14****th**** year of the New Order under our Lord and King**

I have much to share.

I walked all day to reach the palace and despite the cold, I was relieved to rest for a while outside. At last I was allowed inside and it was warm, so blessedly warm! I felt better once I was inside and I worked at straightening my clothes and hair so I could be presentable. Though we are forbidden to do so, I stole a glance up at the throne. It was far away yet I could see the man, the King, who sat upon the gilded throne. He was younger than I was expecting. I thought I would see a man of at least forty or fifty, yet He appeared to be much younger than that. I assumed it was because of the distance and He wore a strange hat made from the skin of a wolf. The muzzle cast a dark shadow over His face so it was difficult to see Him well. I was exhausted by the time I was allowed to approach the throne. There were many stairs and I thought I would collapse when I reached the first level but I managed to get to the top dais and kneel to kiss the golden orb He held, just as everyone else had done before me.

The king seemed to be oblivious to my presence. He sat slouched and didn't even move as I leaned in close to kiss the golden orb. It was as if He were sleeping. As soon as my lips touched the orb a strange sensation came over me. My entire body prickled and the orb was warm to my lips. It was such an odd feeling and my vision began to dim! I felt myself falling forward in a faint. The next thing I knew, the King was on His feet! He was screaming at me, at all in attendance. I thought my heart would stop so I covered my face and tried to curl into a ball. How could I have let myself touch Him just to stop from falling? What was I thinking? I don't even remember my hand falling on Him but it must have because He went on about my daring to lay a hand on a deity and that I would pay with my life. I was sure my entire existence was done in that moment. The guards grabbed me roughly by my arms and started to drag me away. I no longer had the strength to stand and I just didn't care anymore. What was there worth living for anymore?

But then the King stopped shouting. He bade the guards to bring me forward. They threw me to the ground in front of the King's feet and bowed down on either side of me as He sat back down in His throne. I could feel the cold stone floor under my hands and my body trembled.

The King spoke to me directly. "Look at me," He said. I felt ill. His voice was low and almost smooth yet frightening all the same. What was happening? I lifted my head and could only get as high as His knees before my terror overwhelmed me. His legs were covered in dark hide boots with tassels and hide leggings. His white loincloth hung down from the front of the chair. Those bones that decorate it… Some had said they were the finger bones of His enemies and others had said they were the rib bones. They were broken on each end and sewed one above the other onto His loincloth. I knew He sat forward in the throne because His knees shifted slightly.

"Look… at me." His voice was even lower that time and I forced myself to raise my eyes up His body. He wore a red cloth belt around His muscular waist and His fingers tapped impatiently along the top of the orb that He held resting on the top of His thigh. Strange markings crossed His sides diagonally and also marked His arms underneath the huge steel bands He wore around His massive arms. Leather straps crossed His equally massive chest and, over a thick fur shoulder cover, that wolf hide. From my position below Him, I could see under the shadow of the wolf head. From the darkness, oh, I quake even now remembering! His eyes. They were a frightful shade of blue that glowed as if lit from inside. It was the very same brightness as when a lantern catches the eyes of a night creature and set them alight. Only His were an unnatural hue, something otherworldly and terrifying. The King had paint on His face, marking the dark skin of His cheeks, forehead, nose and chin.

From so close… He was indeed far younger than I was expecting. I had no time to dwell on that for He had yet another command for me. This time I watched His mouth form the words.

"Come closer." I wanted to scream. I wanted to run from there because of my fear but to disobey Him is to face death. So I sat up onto my knees and leaned in toward Him. Suddenly He was bending down to me and His hand was in my hair, holding my head so I couldn't look away. My first instinct was to attempt freeing myself from His grip but I managed to stop my hands just short of grasping His wrist. He stared into my face for an eternity, boring into me with His glowing eyes. I felt stripped naked before Him and the feeling only intensified when He leaned me backwards further by my hair and looked down my body. That orb glowed subtly under His fingers and my skin wished to crawl as far away from His touch as possible.

At last He released me and I wanted to weep with relief but my ordeal was not over.

"What is your petition, Lily?" He asked. He knew my name! How was that possible? I stammered out a brief version of my situation, hardly knowing if I was making any sense. To my surprise, He smiled at me in a terrible way and granted me food, warm clothing and a mounted guardsman to transport me back to my cottage to ensure I arrived home safely. With a dismissive gesture, He let me go.

One of the guards, a dark skinned Indian man with very long hair, who had started to drag me away before helped me up most gently and held my arm as I descended the steps. He quietly asked me to wait before leaving me for some time. When he returned, he bore a large bag and a woolen shawl, which he silently draped over me. I thanked him but he gave no response. He led me through the palace to a stable and lifted me up onto the horse he selected. I would have preferred to ride alone but he got on and kept one arm around me the entire trip back. It didn't take as long on a horse. I must have fallen asleep for some of the trip for I remember very little of the night.

When we arrived in the early morning, he asked which man had beaten me and stolen my goat. I did not remember speaking of that but in my exhaustion, I suppose it was possible. I indicated his house and the guardsman helped me down and saw that I entered my house. He lowered the bag of supplies off of his shoulder just inside the door. Instead of getting on the horse and leaving, he walked across the snowy fields toward my neighbor's house. I watched from the window as he knocked on the door. Fear grew in my heart. If he threatened the man, it would only mean more trouble for me. My fears should have been for something else, something darker… When my neighbor answered his door, the guardsman grabbed a club from his hip and bludgeoned him to death. I couldn't move. I didn't dare scream. It seemed the King had given him orders to ensure His gifts would only benefit those whom He chose. The guardsman returned and led his horse to my stable. He did not come out for some hours. I dared not enter the stable to find out why he lingered. At last he did leave, riding away in the afternoon with a few bits of dirty old hay stuck to his uniform and in his hair. It appears he was tired after the ride and murdering my neighbor.

I no longer know what to think of what has transpired. While the threat of having my food taken from me is no longer in existence, it is due to me that a man is now dead. I find only the smallest comfort in knowing my dear Thistle has been avenged but it pales beside the dark horror of its method. I have food enough to last me for some time and some warm items to hold me through the winter but at what cost? What made the King change his mind? Had he truly looked into my soul as it had seemed at the time? Did that orb give him the power to read my mind or to know truth from lies? I'll probably never know.

**The 23****rd**** of December in the 14****th**** year of the New Order under our Lord and King**

I find myself back in the King's palace this day. I know not what is happening and I'm terribly frightened. Just this morning I was home and now I'm here. The same guard who brought me home little more than a week ago turned up at my door. He told me the King requested me. Me! He said I should bring things of importance to me for I would be His guest for some days. I had only the clothes I wore, some food and my mother's brooch and this journal. Everything else could keep while I was gone… Or burn. As soon as I had gathered my things the guardsman escorted me over to his horse and took me up onto it as he had before. Two other guardsmen were there with him. They carried lit torches which they threw into the house and barn. I tried to fight the guard but he held me fast and covered my mouth as I screamed. I finally could only watch as my home and everything in it burned. My escort rode away and only by fighting as hard as I could against the man who held me could I see over his shoulder as my burning house disappeared among the trees. I could smell the smoke for hours after the fire was out of sight. I tried to ask why they burned my house but my words were met with silence. Only the beating of my captor's heart against my back and the sounds of his breathing gave away that he was a man and not a stone.

I tried once more to escape him. He had taken his arm from my waist and I had resisted the urge to escape the moment he had first done it. He turned his head to look at something and that is when I leapt sideways from the horse. My sudden movement alerted him and he grabbed for me. We both fell to the ground. Somehow, he lost his hold on me and I managed to get up and start running. The other two guards cut off my escape with their horses. The first guard must have been right behind me because as soon as I tried to turn he had me. He shouted at me to stop fighting as I struggled. He repeated it several times until he had me on my back underneath him and his hair was in my face. It was then that he looked me in the eyes for the first time. To my surprise there was no rage in his dark eyes. I saw a form of kindness and maybe even empathy in them and his face showed concern, not anger. He held my wrists up over my head with only enough strength to keep them there. It was almost as if he didn't really want to have to restrain me.

"Do not fight or I will bind you." He said quietly. When I nodded, he sat back and pulled me up to a sitting position. To my surprise, he let go of my arms, brushed the snow off of my body gently and then helped me to my feet. He took me by my upper arm and I went with him, docile as a lamb, to get back on the horse and finish our journey. He never took his arm from around me after that.

At the palace, I was escorted by my guards directly to the King. They took me past scores of petitioners and when we reached the top dais I started to kneel beside the long haired guardsman. Unsure of what was to become of me, I started weeping at the King's feet. He took my arm just above my elbow and raised me up. His hand was as hot as fire and He drew me near. He pulled me until I stood between His knees but He kept drawing me closer until I was leaning over his body. His face was so close I could smell the scent of him: hides and oiled leather, gunpowder and scorched earth. The odor of fire was potent on him and all I could think of was my burning home. All my memories, both good and bad, had been taken from me. He took them! And then He struck further fear into my heart. He brought his face close to me.

"You have found favor with me, Lily." He whispered those words with His eyes glowing from within. The teeth of His wolf head covering were sharp on my scalp and the heat of His breath rushed past my ear as he spoke. No words have ever drawn such chills of deathly premonition as the ones He spoke to me that moment. I fear my life will be forever changed.

I have to stop and stare from the windows of this room I have been put in. Am I truly a guest? I have never heard of locking a guest inside a room, no matter how sumptuous it is. I have been here for some hours. As soon as the King had spoken His words to me, I was escorted here by the long haired guard and left with two elderly women. Neither of them spoke to me nor answered my questions. They seemed to be without emotion or compassion. Nay, they moved as if they had no will of their own. They took my clothes from me and burned them in the enormous fireplace, every last stitch, only leaving me this journal and my mother's precious brooch. I was made to step into an oversized basin of hot water fixed to the stone floor of an adjacent room and they scrubbed my body until I was cleaner than I can remember ever being. They then dried me off and rubbed scented oil into my skin, soothing the redness I had attained from such vigorous scrubbing. They pinned my hair away from my face but left it hanging down my back. A length of dark blue fabric was wrapped around my body so it flows like a dress. The end of it was looped over my right shoulder to hang down my back to the floor, leaving the other shoulder bare and indecent. Then they left me.

So here I sit. The room I'm in has a huge bed with the softest blankets, four posters and a canopy above. The stone walls are covered in patterned tapestries and there is a black bear fur on the floor beside the bed. There is also a large writing table and two windows that are much taller than they are wide but are only as wide as my spread hand. There is glass in them, the finest I've ever seen. I can clearly see through them and watch the birds soaring in the distance. I am high up. There were many stairs leading here and my guard had had to help me up the last flight.

As I write, the portion of the blue fabric that covers my shoulder keeps falling off. Maybe my mother's brooch will hold it in place. It does. That's much better. I hear the sound of booted footsteps in the hall.

**The 23-24****th**** of December in the 14****th**** year of the New Order under our Lord and King**

Oh, what horrors will come to me next? What am I to do? I'm truly a prisoner of an awful monster in this place. On the outside it appears beautiful and a thing of luxury but it is in actuality a gilded prison! If only I could climb through these windows and jump to my death but alas! They are much too small and I'm far too big. It must have been designed this way intentionally…

How could this be happening? Every sound I hear makes me sick… It could be Him… or a guard coming to take me to Him. I've never been so afraid in my life.

My body still aches from the King's cruelty and I cannot get the smell of Him out of my nose and off of my skin.

But I must start from the beginning. Maybe if I can get it all written down I can begin to sort it out.

I was escorted through the palace to a dining room by that same long haired guard. It seems he has become my personal sentry. I remember the cold tiles beneath my bare feet and the sound of our progress echoing in the empty halls. The King was waiting for me when I was led into the dining room. A second guard joined us as we passed through the door and I was ushered over to the King by them both. He stood up, leaving the golden orb in a nook on his chair arm and it was the first time I had seen Him not sitting down. He positively towered over me and I felt my knees become weak when He came very close to me. I was face to face with the large disc hanging from His necklace. Without a word, He raised His hand and brought it to my face, sliding His fingers along my cheek, back into my hair and gripping it to tilt my face up. I found myself recoiling from Him but both of the guards took me by my arms and prevented me from moving away.

The King's face was impassive, expressionless and His eyes… they're so wrong, so frightful. Even when the rest of His face was in shadow His eyes emitted a light and malice all their own. He leaned down and smelled me, starting with my hair and then tilting my head farther back until He reached my neck. Before I could react, His mouth was on mine in a kiss. I attempted to raise my arms to push Him away but the guards prevented me from doing to. He took His time, tightening His fingers in my hair when I tried to turn out of it. The smell of Him was all around me, in my nose and head. That acrid, burned odor of singed flesh and char. I found myself pinned between him and my guards as He brought His other hand to my neck. He slid his fingers along the side and then His thumb crossed over the front, closing it into his grip. Try as I might to resist, He forced His tongue into my mouth and the threat of Him crushing my throat kept me from biting Him. He squeezed my neck slightly and then released it, only to drag His overly hot hand down my chest and onto my breast. The fabric between His hand and my skin was thin and He made a noise into my mouth when He touched me. Only then did He desist from kissing me.

He stood up straight and looked at me then. Far from being expressionless, His face carried the look of a hungry animal, a wolf! I was gasping, trying to catch my breath. He spoke to me then, His voice a breathy, hoarse whisper.

"You are an exquisite little creature, Lily." His breathing was deep, as if He were out of breath as well. His voice still rings in my ears and I can yet feel His hand on my body. He didn't stop with fondling my breast. Nay, he slid his hand down my stomach and then over my hip, reaching around to caress my lower back and then my buttocks. It didn't matter that I was covered… I felt naked and exposed to Him in those endless moments. My body quivered in fear and when He at last released His hold on my hair and allowed me to lower my head I noticed something else that made me want to die of terror. He was aroused. His loincloth did little to hide what was beneath it. I must have become very pale, for His eyebrows shifted together and He stepped back from me, leaving my body alone at last. He gestured to the chair near His at the table and commanded me.

"Sit, eat. You have a place of honor here with me." The guards didn't wait for me to obey. They sat me down and then stepped back a few paces. The King seated Himself and gestured to the table as I stared blankly at the dishes of food and filled wine goblet before me.

"This is all for you. Eat. Drink. Have whatever you desire."

I didn't eat much. I couldn't. My heart never ceased to beat in a frantic rhythm and my stomach felt as if the tightest corset ever made were cinched around it. I managed a bite or two and a few sips of wine in the length of time that we sat together at that table, hoping it would calm me but dread filled me to overflowing. It was not unwarranted.

I jerked in my seat when the King rose from His chair and took up the golden orb from its place. The way He lifted it seemed to indicate that it was heavy, for the tendons stood out on the back of His hand as He turned it. He reached out and held His free hand out toward me, indicating that I should take it. I did and rose shakily to my feet. The King led me out a different door than I had come in, my ever present guards following behind. We traversed a long corridor decorated with statues of wolves and violent tapestries depicting wolves and eagles locked in battle. A set of double doors at the end of the hall were opened by two more guards and beyond was an enormous bedroom. My heart finally had had enough and I stopped at the sight of it, attempting to tear my hand from the King's. He tightened His grip painfully on my hand and turned His head, letting His fiery blue eyes burn into my soul. I shook my head. I might have even begged Him to let me go. The sound of weapons being drawn behind me and the sight of the other two guards resting their hands on theirs turned my knees to water and I found myself staggering onward. The King made a huffing noise of impatient satisfaction at my unwilling forward movement. The echoing sound of the heavy doors shutting us in was the sealing of my fate.

The King released my hand when we were beside the bed and I backed away, bringing my arms up to cross over my chest in an attempt at covering myself and put as much distance between us as possible. I could go no further when the wall was up against my back.

"Come now, Lily. You need not fear me. No other woman has found such favor in my eyes." As He spoke He crossed the distance between us until He was just as close as when He had molested me in the dining room. I had nowhere to run, no way to escape. His hand was as hot as fire when He laid it over mine and started to pull my wrist away from my shoulder. I do remember begging Him then. I pleaded with him not to do this but my appeals and tears meant nothing to Him. He dragged my hand down but I pulled it back up when He reached for the other. His eyes seemed to blaze brighter and His lips pulled back from His clenched teeth in a frightful show of anger at my disobedience.

"So be it." His guttural words struck dread into my heart. He raised the golden orb in his hand and it lit up brightly, the lines and markings covering its surface becoming blinding and brilliant in the semidarkness of the bedroom. I had to turn my face away. He lifted His hand up and very softly touched my arm. A burst of tingling shot up to my shoulder and with one finger He lowered my arm from my side. It was as if I were made of clay. I could do nothing to resist His downward motion, nor could I move my arm once it was by my side. My fist was still clenched as it had been but my elbow was fully extended.

I could feel my heart wanting to burst it was pounding so hard in my chest. What magic does He wield that He can control the bodies of those around him? Is He really a God as people say He is? The King moved His finger to my other arm and lowered it in the same fashion as He had the first. I fought against it, I truly did. I tried so hard to move my arms at all but it was as if they had been struck from my body… They were no longer mine to control. I could still feel everything: the fabric of my clothing, the cold wall against my knuckles, the warmth of the King's finger on my wrist and as He trailed it up my arm to my bare shoulder. He unhooked my mother's brooch and tossed it aside so He could pull the fabric forward from where it hung over my shoulder. As He unwound the fabric from my body I felt cold and my tears fell from my face only to run down my chest and drop onto the floor.

When the fabric was a pool of blue around my unmoving feet the King took my face in His hand and turned it upward to look into His eyes. In the side of my vision I watched Him lower that glowing orb downward and I felt His arm move between our bodies. The orb touched me low on my bared stomach and suddenly my most intimate parts were ablaze with sensations of arousal I had never experienced before. I cried out in shock and shame as a surge of warmth filled me. The King smiled… but it was not a smile to bring joy or happiness. Nay, it was an abomination. He removed the wicked orb from my skin and released my face only to run His fingers down the center of my body. I wept and begged for Him to stop but He just looked at me silently and carried on until he came to my navel. His fingers lifted from me but in a sudden movement forward, He captured my mouth with His and reached His hand between my legs. I screamed against his mouth until He stepped back.

"You see? You want this. You want me." I tried to deny it but my voice trailed off when He closed His glowing eyes and showed me darkness instead. When He opened them again He took me by the shoulder and I found myself walking toward the bed under His guidance. While only moments earlier I had desperately fought for movement of my limbs I then struggled for the absence of it. He turned me to face the bed and placed the orb on a pillow. There was no change to my inability to control my body despite Him not holding that thing anymore. He raised His frightfully strong hands and pulled me to His chest, grinding His aroused body against me. He then pushed me face down onto the mattress and caressed my exposed backside as He spoke.

"Have you ever been had by a man, Lily?" I somehow managed to shake my head and whisper that I had not. His hands left my skin and it was a relief only until I heard the sounds of him untying his sash and dropping his loincloth to the floor.

"Then tonight you will be had by a God." He moved my legs apart with His feet and roughly pushed into me. I screamed from the awful pain He dealt. More than that pain, though, the humiliation of it destroyed me. I was helpless to resist in any way except for my voice and He let me keep that. I screamed until there was nothing left and still I continued. When He was finally finished with me I was only able to weep in miserable silence. He laid His body over mine on the bed and I felt myself liberated from the invisible force that had held me through it all. By then I was too weak to move anymore. The King's smoky breath against my neck and ear made me shake with renewed fear and His whispered words sliced my skin and cut out my heart.

"You are mine now. Forever." He brushed my hair, wet from the sweat of my desperation and pointless struggling, off the right side of my neck and shoulder and His teeth closed on the vulnerable flesh He had revealed. He bit me until I was sure He had broken my skin. As soon as He released me He pulled himself from my body and I shamefully felt the evidence of his violent passion.

I heard Him move away and a short rap on the door, followed by the sound of it opening. I was too weak to even attempt covering myself from whomever was there. All I could do was close my eyes in disgrace. The King spoke unfamiliar words and the sound of booted footsteps approached the bed. I wept as I felt my body turned over, lifted up and carried like a baby. Long hair brushed against me and I knew it was my guard. He only carried me a short distance from the bed before he knelt on one knee and gathered up the fabric that had been discarded from my body. He piled it over my nakedness and I was grateful for that small bit of cover. I refused to open my eyes and see the pity in his that I was sure was there. It only became worse when I felt my mother's brooch being pushed into my tightly closed fist.

I wept the entire trip back to my rooms. My silent guard put me in the bed and pulled the blankets up over me without removing all the loops of blue fabric. When he left I heard the lock sliding into its place, trapping me within this palace of horror.

I still weep now, hours later. Though I sit at my desk wrapped in a blanket, I can't stop shivering at the remembrance of these recent happenings. The night is almost done and the sunrise brings me no hope. I fear this is to be my future: the prisoner and unwilling concubine of a mad King with powers beyond the wildest of imaginings and the worst of nightmares at His fingertips.


	2. Chapter 2

**The 25****th**** of December in the 14****th**** year of the New Order under our Lord and King**

I woke in the early afternoon to a fire crackling in the fireplace and most of the chill that had been present in the room when I had last taken quill to journal has been driven away. Alas, my heart was and is frozen still. One of the women who had… prepared me yesterday was in the adjacent bathing room and she led me to the basin once again. Instead of scrubbing me, she left me alone. The hot water helped soothe away the last of the aching in my body and it was a blessed relief to remove the odor of the King from my skin.

The events of the previous night infiltrated my thoughts and weighed heavily on my heart. I slipped down under the water, holding my breath and wondering how it would be to die from drowning. I didn't have long to wonder because the old woman was suddenly there, pulling me up by my arm and scolding me with her frowning silence. She then watched me for some time to ensure I did not try again. The water grew cold and I rose from it only to find myself escorted back to my bedroom where it seemed my evening's attire had been selected for me. I had mistakenly thought that I would not be expected to attend the King but alas, it was not to be.

The night's ensemble was little more than a cream colored shift and a black corset. Though satiny and of fine material and construction, the shift was almost transparent. I refused to go near the bed. The woman gestured to the clothing but I pretended not to understand. She picked it up and advanced toward me but I dodged away, leaping across the bed. The woman tsked and went to my bed chamber's door. I took the opportunity to retreat to the bathing room once more, shutting the door behind me and looking about for a lock. The handle moved in my hands and I braced myself against the door to keep it shut. The old woman surely wasn't strong enough to force the door. The next thing I knew, I was sprawled on the floor in a most undignified manner and to my utter horror, the long haired guard was advancing on me with a scowl upon his usually stoic face. I scrambled backwards, doing my best to cover my nakedness from his sight. He didn't seem to care much for modesty, for he grasped my wrists and hauled me to me feet.

Turning me around, he marched me back into the bedroom where the woman stood with her arms crossed and the dress hanging over her elbow. She held it out towards me and when the guard released my arms I shamefacedly took it from her and quickly pulled it on over my head. The woman approached with the corset and I compliantly allowed her to pull it down over my head. For the first time, the woman spoke, only she did not speak to me. Rather, she spoke to the guard. Her voice was little more than a rasped whisper but the words she spoke were foreign and would have sounded unfamiliar had I not heard the King speak in the same way the night before. My guard spoke a few words in a questioning fashion to her and her answer was an impatient gesture of her hands toward me. He shrugged his shoulders and stepped behind me to lace me into my corset. The woman held it to my sides and looked up at my guard with a frown as he tightened the laces. She tsked at my guard and I felt his sighed exhalation on my neck just before he cinched the laces so tightly I gasped. All the way up, he tugged and then all the way back down he tightened until I was almost arching my back. It must have been the old woman's punishment for my disobedience earlier. I would swear she smiled at my discomfort.

Her punishments for me weren't over, for she dismissed my guard and spent time dragging a comb none too gently through my disheveled hair. Parting it down the middle, she braided it into two braids like I was some kind of child. I felt anger growing in me and I struggled to restrain it. It took over my mind and boiled my blood until I felt near to bursting. At last, I was handed over to my guard to begin the long descent from my room to the presence of the King.

He sat in the same chair at the same table as the night before. My anger had become righteous, indignant and reckless. I wanted Him to kill me so I would be free of this hideous Palace and its ruthless occupant. When the King looked up at me I shook my arm free of my guard and walked faster toward Him. My bare feet slapped on the stone floor tiles and I felt dangerously close to passing out from my tightly laced corset.

"You raped me!" I shouted at Him as I approached the table. My guard caught my arms and halted my advance. The King merely smiled in a saddened way.

"You are mistaken. I have honored you. I have given you greatness yet this is how you repay the kindness of your King? With insults?"

"You raped me! That's no honor! That's no kindness!"

"I have fed you, clothed you, given you a safe and warm home. You yourself came to me for aid. How is it not a kindness that I have taken you under my protection?" I struggled to free my arms from my guard, panting from the exertion.

"Protection? I'm a prisoner here! You're a monster!" The King rose to His feet and advanced toward me so quickly I backed into my guard. He took my face in His hand and His eyes seemed to flare brightly with His quiet anger. I found myself questioning whether wanting Him to kill me was a good idea anymore.

"I have killed scores of men and women for less than this defiance you are displaying."

"Because you have no compassion!" Despite my angry words, His voice remained steady.

"Compassion. That is what stays my hand from breaking your jaw." He tightened His hand threateningly on my face and I believed He really could break my bones with one hand as He had said. He turned my head and reached with his other hand to touch the purple, bruised teeth marks He had left on me the night before, continuing in the same steady, low voice He had started with.

"I treasure what is mine and that includes you. For that alone you should be _grateful_." He released my face with a slight shove backwards and turned His back to me to return to His seat.

"You will eat at my table. I command it… as your monstrous King and Lord." The King rested His hand on a leather bag tied to His sash that looked suspiciously like it contained the golden orb He so treasures. I sat, though I was determined not to show submission. I took up a goblet of wine and drank it down, hoping it would steady my nerves or at least dull the ache in my heart and the fluttering in my stomach. My corset was too tight to allow me to eat much but I took a bite of some bread. I followed that with more wine as soon as my cup was refilled. The King watched me incessantly with His bright eyes. I was half way through my third serving of wine when He started to speak.

"It must be difficult for you. You do not see how hard I work to protect the people of New Kanatahseton. I only want to keep everyone safe… separate from the corruption of the outside world. I know what it means to struggle, to lose everything… as you have." His words, though spoken with a modicum of empathy or something like it, felt empty and lifeless. The wine had clouded my perceptions and loosened my tongue.

"You don't know what I've been through! It's _your_ fault my family's dead and everyone starves! My brother and father died because of your Wall!"

"A sacrifice for the greater good. It is because of their toil that everyone else lives under my protection." I wanted to rise from my seat but I was unsteady when I attempted it so I fell back to my seated position.

"You call what's out there living? It's death out there and you're blind to it!" The king banged His fist onto the table, upsetting the goblets and spilling dark wine across the tablecloth.

"Be quiet! You know not what you are saying. You were but a child when I watched the people of this land put trust in a man who hid behind a mask of kindness and generosity. In reality he was nothing but a pillager of land and people, burning his way across the earth and deceiving thousands. I ended his rule and started my own... here. You will see. This land will prosper under me." I remained quiet for some time as I mulled over His words and the spilled wine was cleaned up by silent servants. It was difficult to think with my mind so affected by the wine I had consumed but one thing stood out in unusual clarity. In my intoxication, I foolishly gave voice to it.

"In almost fifteen years this is all you have to show for your so-called work? A land of starving people? Protected you say? The only thing we need protection from is you!" The King jumped to His feet so quickly His heavy chair nearly toppled over behind Him. He grabbed me up from my seat and pushed me back against the table until I had to use my hands behind me to keep from falling onto it.

"What would you do in my place? What would _you_ have me do?" I had no answer for Him. Slowly, His face changed from rage to something calculating and His eyes singed me.

"Foolish woman. I used to be as idealistic as you are. You would have me compromise based on your perception of compassion. There was a time when I, too, thought the truest freedom came from governing by the people, for the people. My father tried to tell me differently but I resisted the idea of total control. It made no sense and I killed him for it. But I later found his journal… and I realized he was right, though not in the purest sense. I knew I had to correct my wrongs and vindicate the beliefs he strove for. No longer would I be towed this way and that way by the people with their many demands and their fickle loyalty. Change takes time and its path is shrouded in darkness but it is _not_ futile. You will see. All will see. Control is my compassion." I knew then that He was a true, raving madman but I dared not speak again lest I anger Him further. He stared at my face for what felt like forever before His expression seemed to soften slightly. He reached up and took one of my braids in His hand, running His fingers down its length and placing it over my chest.

"You have had much wine this night. I should have taken that into consideration before reacting to your… imprudent words." His hands snaked around my waist and He pulled me against His body.

"Do not tremble, Lily. I am not angry with you any longer. You are just confused. I will show you the way to enlightenment." He stepped back and took my hand to lead me from the table. I stumbled in my dizzy state, brought on from a mixture of intoxication, fear and lack of air from my tight corset. Before I could think, the King had picked me up in His arms. I struggled until He tightened His arms around me and I could only kick my feet and shake my head. The action made me even dizzier so I slumped in His arms and despaired the entire time it took to walk to his bedchamber, followed by my perpetual shadows: the guards.

The king laid me on His bed almost tenderly, as if I were His beloved bride or a fragile thing. The room spun in lazy circles around me, wavering and wobbling like a top about to fall. The King lay down beside me and I rolled to turn away from Him. I realized my mistake when I heard the sound of a knife being unsheathed and His fingers working their way under the bottom edge of my corset. The sharp, popping sounds of my corset lacing parting under His blade were loud in the room and I could immediately breathe deeply. I filled my lungs with air, tainted as it was by the detestable, burned odor of the King so close to me. He easily pulled the corset from beneath my body and tossed it somewhere out of sight, only to turn His attentions fully to me. He pulled me close and let His hand wander over me. I tried to stop Him but I was too dizzy and tired to oppose much beyond mumbled protestations and weak resistance. His quiet shushing and breathing against my neck sent shivers down my spine, only to converge with my futile attempts to squirm away when He pulled my shift up and slid His hand over my hip, down my stomach and between my legs. His whispers were worse.

"Shhh, Lily. Why do you fight me? You seek freedom from control, do you not?" I nodded with only a whimper for words as His fingers found my most sensitive place.

"Then give of yourself." I tried to curl away from Him, to push back with my elbows and feet, but He held me fast. He placed kisses on my neck and shoulder, drawing His knees up and leaning over me to pluck at the ties holding my shift closed. I fought His hands with mine until He left my laces to reach down towards His belt and open the bag containing His dangerous trinket. With only momentary contact of His fingers on it, my body ceased to be my own once again. I wanted to vomit, faint or die but I could only lay there weeping and feel His touch as He turned me on my back and stripped me of my shift.

He was gentle with me, at least. There was nothing of the rough, forceful way He had taken me the previous night. He made me react through my tears, creating a fictional arousal with the orb as He touched me and tasted of me. I cried out at the sensations He made me feel. When at last He left me alone to unclothe Himself I had ceased weeping and resigned myself to my fate. Only when He climbed on top of me did I resume my tears, for now I could not escape the sight of His freakish, azure gaze or the frightful size of Him as He loomed over me. He kissed me and I tasted the unusual tang of my body's making on his lips. I wished for it to be done with quickly but He took me slowly, fondling my body and the orb to elicit every response He desired as I wept and screamed and He ceaselessly moved over me. The worst was yet to come, for He used His golden toy to bring me to an illusory climax not of my creation and He called out my name when He reached His genuine one almost at the same moment, making my blood curdle in horror and the purest revulsion beyond anything I had ever experienced chill my very soul. He had forced pleasure through my body, a perversion of what such an act should be. The dichotomy was absolute: my body craved and completed the sensations, reacting to the physical and conjured manifestations of intimate acts yet my mind repelled all of it until I felt torn into two discrete entities, tied together by one tortured soul.

He kept me in His bed afterwards, holding me against His overheated body. I could move as I pleased but when I attempted to crawl beyond His reach my muscles became rigid and painful until I returned to Him. In this way He kept me a prisoner even in His sleep.

Much of my dizziness had passed by then and I laid there examining His face, marked by those strange tattoos. In sleep He almost appeared to be a normal man approaching His very early middle years of life. He could be considered attractive but the knowledge of His unnatural eyes and twisted mind burned away any pretence of normalcy. From time to time He would mutter in His strange language or toss in His sleep. I turned from Him and did my best to pretend He was not there with His heavy arm over my body until exhaustion took me over and ended my turmoil temporarily.

I woke to find myself alone in the bed of His chamber. I was free to get up, dress and look about the room without limit until I discovered that touching any of the weapons displayed about the place or the handle of the door resulted in agonizing, burning pain to my entire body that dropped me to the floor. The other door in the room was not similarly trapped and my momentary contact with the handle resulted in no punishing pain. It led into a massive library filled to the brim with books. I had never seen more than three books in anyone's collection until now and I was in awe of the sheer quantity of literary works contained in this room. My hands reached hesitantly to the spine of the nearest one, fearing the agony of punishment but none came and I reverently pulled the book from the shelf. Its dusty pages smelled of age and beauty, of the mysteries contained within and the secrets of another world I could lose myself in.

I sat on a nearby chair with the book in hand. I don't know how long I stayed there reading the story of a man called Henry VIII by an author named Shakespeare but I was startled out of my reading by my name being spoken quietly. The King was in the doorway watching me. I hadn't heard Him enter, nor did I know how long He had been there. I must have appeared terrified as I jumped to my feet and hid the book behind my back.

"What are you afraid of?" He asked me. I couldn't look at Him as I mumbled out my fear of punishment for touching His books.

"I will not punish you for enjoying my library. You are free to use it any time you wish. All you need to do is ask." He beckoned with His hand.

"Come here, Lily." I felt sick at the idea of being any closer to the King but, knowing He could just make me do His bidding, I went anyway, clutching the large book to my chest with both arms as if it could protect me from Him. He reached out to me and took my shoulder when I was close enough. His other hand went to the side of my neck and He softly touched my skin before taking the back of my neck firmly.

"You will need to earn my trust first, though. I can not have you wandering around looking for a way to defy me. Do not think I would fail to take that into consideration after last night. Can I trust you?" His eyes were painful they were so bright under the shadow of His wolf hood. I wanted to push the King away but He gripped my neck tightly so I nodded. The King pulled me nearer by my neck and lowered His mouth to mine. Forgive me… for I shudder at the memory… I kissed Him back. In that moment, I felt a piece of me fall away and shatter, never to be retrieved.

"Lily, you surprise me. I expected you to fight. Maybe I can give you the freedom you want sooner than I thought I could. For now though… the quality of your obedience is still to be determined." He let me take the book I had been reading and sent me back to my room with my guard, relatively unmolested. That doesn't mean I don't fear for tonight. I fear He will have me dine with Him nightly and take me to His bed every time.

I won't consign myself to this fate. I won't do it. There has to be a way to get out of this place and I just need to be patient enough to find it. For now I must stay strong and gain His trust.

**The 2****nd**** of January in the 15****th**** year of the New Order under our Lord and King**

It has been several days since I last felt inclined to document this dreary existence. It is as I feared: I am to be the King's nightly companion. Last night I lost a little more of who I am, I think. I can't forgive myself for it yet and I don't believe I ever will. I let the King have me. I gave myself to Him, if not willingly, without resistance. He was happy with me… He let me take several books back to my room this morning but what consolation are books for giving up on what makes me who I am? What will I give up next? I've already lost my dignity. My pride is quickly following in its shadow. The King is taking it all and I find myself slipping away. I must hold on to whatever is left because if I don't I'll simply become the King's creature, a plaything for him to take His pleasure with and control just like everyone else in this cursed place! But then I wonder why I bother resisting anymore. What is it for? I'm still locked in this room. I've gained nothing in the way of freedom despite giving the King what He wants.

I wish I were a small bird like the ones outside my windows. Then I could slip out and fly away from here to be free. Free to live, free to die… just free.

**The 27****th**** of January in the 15****th**** year of the New Order under our Lord and King**

I've made a terrible mistake. I know not when my life will end but I fear it will be very soon. The King is angry with me, no- furious, livid, enraged… Is there even a word to describe the transformation I caused in Him? What little resemblance He had to being just a man is gone for He is truly a beast of terrible strength and the most horrible violence.

I'm in a cell in some dark level of the Palace. Only a faint bit of light reaches into my cage and it is by that minimal illumination that I write. The floor is dirt and covered by a thin layer of straw. The walls and ceiling are stone and the only air and light come from between the bars of my door. I have the unfortunate situation of being unclothed in here and I'm terribly cold but I'm trying to ignore it and focus on anything else. There is a prisoner across from me in another cell. He screams at me and says terrible things but my ever present guard hits the bars of his cell with his club whenever he does. My guard was kind enough to bring me my journal to pass the time. A last request granted before my execution? Maybe.

It all started after the King had finished with me and fallen asleep on the other side of the bed… the side I'm usually made to sleep on. His golden orb was sitting on the little table beside the bed and I reached out to it. I don't know what made me do it. Maybe I thought I could use it on Him… make it so He couldn't move or hurt me anymore. It was exceedingly heavy and the instant I picked it up the King woke from His slumber. He saw the orb in my hand and immediately moved toward me. In a moment of absolute panic, I tried to bludgeon Him with it. He caught my wrist in a grip stronger than I ever imagined a man could have. He squeezed it so hard I thought my bones would snap. As soon as I dropped the orb on the bed between us He picked it up and hit me with it. I fell onto the bed with a scream of agony and was instantly under the orb's power. I couldn't even touch the side of my cheek and mouth where I knew I was bleeding. I could taste the blood and feel it trickling down my face and neck as my left ear rang loudly from the strike and my vision crackled and burst in white explosions of light. The King shouted at me.

"You dare to touch my most sacred item? What was your plan? Did you believe you could control me? Stop me?" He rose from the bed and dragged me off of it and across the floor by one arm toward the door. At a shouted word from Him, the door opened and He flung me outside to the feet of the guards. I watched as He stood there in the doorway, completely uncaring that He was naked in front of everyone, and stared at me. His shoulders moved with His deep, angry breathing and then He waved dismissively with His unoccupied hand and spoke in His indecipherable language. My body was released from the control of the orb but as soon as it was, the King turned His back and slammed the door of His bedroom shut behind Him. Two guards made to take my arms but the long haired one who is in charge of me most often waved them off and picked me up himself. I didn't fight him as he carried me away from the King's bedchamber and down a corridor I hadn't been into before.

For the first time since he took me from my home, my guard spoke to me.

"What did you do to provoke him?" I could barely move my jaw but I whispered what I had done as my tears of pain, fear and humiliation mingled with the blood running from my chin. I asked if He would kill me for it. My guard shook his head and I knew even he was doubtful that I would be spared. He spoke again.

"You are to be imprisoned in a cell for your actions." I began to shake uncontrollably. The farther we descended in the Palace, the worse I shook. Doors became heavier and hinges creaked as they moved. At last I was put in my cell, to the accompaniment of shouts and lewd calls from the neighboring prisoners. I huddled against the wall and when the keeper of the prison left my guard's side he glanced in the direction he went in before crouching down in front of my locked door. He reached through the bars and beckoned to me until I crawled over to him, doing my best to cover myself.

"The King has affection for you, Lily. That is what gives me any hope for your survival. You must plead with him for his mercy. Apologize. Even if you do not mean it in here." My guard touched my chest lightly with one finger.

"I can't. I _hate_ him!" I whispered to him through my teeth.

"How can you believe he cares anything for me?"

"Because I know him. Or I thought I did before all of this. We were friends, once, when we were young. He did not kill you for your many acts of defiance. He may yet spare you." I looked into my guard's eyes, truly looked, for the first time since I had arrived at the Palace. I realized then that he, a man nearing his late forties, had watched his friend become the King. And now he serves Him, doing His bidding unquestioningly and watching as He dominates New Kanatahseton into destruction. His kind words to me were tantamount to an act of defiance as well.

"What's your name?" I asked him then. He laid his hand on the chilled skin of my shoulder and shook his head sadly.

"It is better for you not to know." He took his hand away and started to rise to his feet.

"Wait!" I cried. He glanced to the side to check if we were being observed.

"Can you bring me something?"

"Only if it is small and easily hidden. I was asked to bring you here directly."

"In my room… I have a journal hidden under my mattress. Will you get it for me? I want to free my thoughts if I have no chance of living." My nameless guard tilted his head then doubtfully.

"Please…" I begged him. He nodded once and walked away silently.

As evidenced by my long entry, he honored my last wish, slipping my journal through the bars of my cell along with a small inkwell and a quill.

The night drags by and I listen to the sounds of my fellow prisoners. Some weep loudly or shout. Many of them are ill and I can hear them coughing. I wonder what the morning will bring.

**The 28****th**** of January in the 15****th**** year of the New Order under our Lord and King**

I yet live. I was given the length of blue silk I had been wrapped in for my first evening with the King and I took it gratefully and shrouded myself in it. It felt like the warmest wool blanket and at last I found some relief from the chill dampness of my cell. The King did not release me today. I suppose that is some consolation that maybe He won't kill me. It isn't much. A prisoner was beaten today. I could hear his screams echoing in the prison and for hours afterward I heard his groans of pain. Hopefully that won't be my fate.

**The 29****th**** of January in the 15****th**** year of the New Order under our Lord and King**

And still I live. My guard is almost always nearby and he looks in on me frequently, even if he doesn't speak to me the way he had the night he brought me here. I'm being fed some meager meals so at least I won't be left to starve to death. I don't know what's worse… the waiting and wondering or the prospect of starving myself just to end it. I could do it…

**The 30****th**** of January in the 15****th**** year of the New Order under our Lord and King**

I'm back in my chambers. I had decided to stop eating and let myself die when there was a sudden commotion in the prison. The man in the cell across from me threw himself on the floor in front of his door and reached his hands out between the bars. My stomach dropped when he started screaming for mercy… Mercy from the King and Lord of New Kanatahseton. He had come. I heard His voice and my heart twisted within me so I curled myself up against the corner as far from the door to my cell as possible and turned my face toward the wall. I wouldn't beg. I wouldn't.

Out of the corner of my eye I saw Him stop before the other cell. The man inside hovered his shaking hands over the King's feet and wept for clemency. The King asked the man to recite his ill deeds. Thieving. That was all. And then my heart froze in fear, for the King pointed into my cell right at me even though He hadn't once looked in my direction.

"Maybe I will spare you and take her life instead."

The man stammered and then asked what my crime was. The King told him it was attempted Regicide. The prisoner assured the King he would never try to kill Him, ever. To my horror, the King walked across to my cell door and gripped the bars. He watched me carefully for some time and I maintained my refusal to meet His eyes. He spoke almost to Himself, then, as He gazed upon me.

"Defiant, even in the face of death…" He then raised his voice to the guards and the prisoner behind Him.

"I am feeling generous today. Free him." Only then did I lift my head and look at the King. He was watching me with His chin tipped downward slightly. A subtle gesture from him and my cage was unlocked. He came to me then and crouched down to reach towards my bruised face. I turned away from His touch.

"Do you wish me dead?" How could I answer that? An affirmation would certainly mean the loss of my life and a denial would mean the same, only in a different fashion. My silence became my answer.

"I do not want to kill you. There is something… fiery about you that appeals to me. Can you not see that I care for you?" Since I had begun our meeting in silence I decided to conclude it the same. The King merely sighed and rose from before me but not before reaching out and touching my face. He left my cell and shortly after, I was escorted by my nameless guard to my quarters. He was not inclined to speak and I had the feeling he would never do so again now that it appeared my life was no longer forfeit. I treasured his few kind words and his risky act of obtaining my journal all the more. Maybe I have one person here who actually cares about me and is not simply carrying out orders.

Whether the King truly cares for me or not is inconsequential. He cares not for my opinion or feelings, so what is it that He cares for? My body? Controlling me? Breaking me? He claims to appreciate my defiance but for how long? I mulled these questions over as I sat in my bathing basin washing away the filth from the days spent in that cell. I'm no closer to any answers now than I was then.

I stared at my reflection in the water and was appalled by what I saw. I knew I would bear evidence of being struck by the King but I can't get the image from my mind. My left cheek is discolored and my split lip distorts my features further.

I must admit that when a meal was brought to me in my rooms, it was a relief beyond all measure. Maybe the King has some kind of compassion, as twisted as it is, that compels Him to leave me alone, even if it's just for this one night. Or maybe he can't bear to look upon my disfigurement.


End file.
